mind-wandering #1

Life always has its cost. There’s no such thing as priceless. That’s what I believe in for at least, now. If you want something, you gotta pay for it. as simple as that how this system works. Well, I don’t believe in lottery or so. I do believe in luck, anyway but as a result of hard work, a ripe apple from the finest tree in the garden.

I’ve witnessed. People suffer, people sacrifice to find some joy and happiness. The pursuit of happiness will never face the ending. To figure what a true happiness is, each of us will struggle, haunted by fear, surrounded by doubt. Fear is natural. Fear is what drive us to avoid mistake. Growing up, to a big new world that I’ve never imagined, I learn things. Life always has its cost. For some of us, it’ll sound like “eye for an eye”. Human and revenge have a strong bond.

Life has its cost but it doesn’t mean that an eye has to be paid by an eye. death has to be paid by death. Revenge is an option, but we don’t have to choose that. What if revenge should be paid by forgiveness. Does it sound beautiful? We always have choices, the decision we make define who we are.

As a grown up, we have to decide what we want, who we will become, how we’re gonna survive this life. In every choices lies a price to pay, every ways that we choose to live in has a demon beneath. Always expect uneasy, nothing like piece of cake. We’re living in the cruel world, so prepare for the worst and live it everyday.


a self-reminder

Hope could be the most powerful thing in life. You might be someone who work very hard in every opportunity, and yet life sometimes could not be supportive. Then you give up and everything start to feel non-sense, you’ve felt cheated. I mean, life could be unfair sometimes. Some of us are born with magical mind, gorgeous appearance or wealth, some might be worst that we’ve ever imagined. Difference is a natural state of life. We can’t deny it. But that is not supposed to make us feel cheated or something. What all you’ve got now, that’s what you should work on. No matter how hard or far the road that we choose to live on. Our journey will never get easy, challenge is the most common thing that we face. We are survivor who try every possibilities to make things happen, to live. Live with purpose and value that we hope for in every seconds.

Evening Thought #1

I’ve seen lots of news about someone having an illness with his/her mentality and his /her soul. Some of them end up being suicide, some may be still struggling to not as dark as ending up suicide. This issue had been on my timeline for months. In my believe, that suicide is the worst way to die. I used to have thought that people who commit to suicide is the weakest type of human being. With this issue coming up, a lot of talks about Netflix series 13 Reasons Why and so many people writing this thing and as me being growing up had put me in another perspective.

My life is not easy at some point, but I never had a thought of being someone who had mental illness or something. Until about couple months ago, I’ve found my life was slowly sliding down. Feeling that this life was not worth a soul is something dreadful and you’re leading yourself to suicide. I’ve been in the dark at some point, alone and that was worst loneliness I ever had. I like being alone, I mean I’m an introvert so who doesn’t like it anyway? So, I’ve managed myself to at least have someone to talk to. It didn’t feel great but It helped you to not think about negativity and some sort of anxiety.

I’ve been wondering, is it similar to someone who had a mental illness or something? Cause I never know how it actually feels. If it is quite similar, so may be some of the ways to help those thing was just to talk and being listened. Well, it’s not healing you and all of sudden being cured but at least it help to value yourself more, that your life matter to society.

Having someone to talk to is really great anyway. I always feel honoured being listened to my thought or opinion. Respect for every listener out there for being in a conversation without being a jerk. It’s hard to find them. I mean, under this circumstances with technology and social media around us having a conversation face to face without interrupted by them was completely priceless. You know what? I came to realize that these days, a good conversation is not about reaching someone far. a good conversation is to value people around, make them life, make them feels that it is really wonderful to be exist.

We’re Not Just A Bunch of People

000874Life’s amazing and unexpected. That’s the beauty of life and we have to admit that life has always something that surprises us in any kind of way. I’ve read a quote from C.S. Lewis “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?” He is so on point. Life is connecting the dots and you never know how you’ll end up with.

For months, I’ve looked back and start to wonder “Is this what I had planned?” or “Is this something I wanted?”. For real, I’ve never thought of being someone important or someone who is expected to make difference. I’ve planned myself to be someone average, I mean like not to be someone who carries all people’s hope. So, everyone would never notice me by any chance. Apparently, life has something to do with me and dragged me to all this kind of shit. I mean stuff. Who the hell did actually think that I will be the one in charge? That must be impossible. But impossible is shit. So, it happened anyway. Well, congrats to me. haha.

Being at top of the hierarchy of an organization was just not my things. I’ve never planned, even imagined that but it happened anyway. So, I’ve tried myself to adapt, to at least fit in with that kind of situation. I’ve watched Ted Talks, I’ve read articles and books on how to be a great leader and stuff. I agreed with the thought that being a leader is not a natural gift. It’s a skill that you have to try, learn and practice like any other skill. I thought that maybe it’s time for me to try and go outside my comfort zone. I have to try being someone valuable for others and it was perfect because I have a platform to do it.

Over a year, I led the team and observe more about teamwork, working environment, how to deal with people, how to treat them in a way that each person could accept it as we know that are so many types of people with different personalities. That’s the thing, that’s the challenge. I once led a team with four peoples but the challenge is different. The more people to deal with, the more challenge you’ve got. I was lucky to have that opportunity and even more lucky to have the team that was manageable. I mean like they behaved good and showed so much spirit and interest to do something. I was blessed.

Through a year of hardship and exhaustion, a year of happiness and tears, a year full of wonder and joy. We’ve been through a lot together for the something that we do care about. I met people with different background, perspectives and personalities. I’ve learned a lot from them and I’m grateful to have that. One special thing about being in an organization is you have a privilege to meet people with so many differences and still got something in common, still got the same vision. We’re not just a bunch of people. We try to be valuable and make our life had a purpose and meaning. We are a bunch of people who try to make a difference, try to turn our dream into reality. We are a bunch of people with value and purpose.

Being there for more than 2 years was miraculous. It was such a long time and realizing that I’m now officially signing off was… I don’t know what to tell but it’s overwhelming and sad at the same time. That was probably the best years of my life. For all the experiences and ideas that I’ve got, those were really priceless. I never know how to give feedback because that was too many.

Good things must come to an end. And this is the end. I’m signing off.

Thank you for all of the miracles and remarkable things. Thank you for being one of the best parts of my life. Thank you for everything.

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A Deep Trench

Do you know what it feels like drowning in a true deepest part of the ocean? Wondering it might be really hard to feel the air, hard to move your feet, or even can’t get enough energy to push out the pressure.

I’ve got no clue, neither you. Cause when you know what it feels like, you’re probably a dead man. But, at some point in my life. I came to realize that I’ve been drowning these whole recent months, to a deep dark anoxic trench in the largest ocean. Can’t see the light, can’t see the water level, can’t even see the life either. It was the most dangerous place in my world. “Somebody needs someone”, well said. We’re not supposed to enter this world, begin to be a human being and conquer this world alone. Somebody needs to stand out for someone.

Everyone deal with their own problem. We don’t know how hard it is and how fragile they are. But, we need to complain. I mean not really complaining, just bust our problem out our mind. It would help, I guess. Like you don’t have to carry the world and all the burden on your shoulder. It’s awful to be loaded like that.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. We are a human being, and human being needs to take care of each other for peace.

Above Us Was Only Sky

a short journey of life.

near the crater

The best thing about hiking the mountain is you just want to go back down when you’re on top. Hi, back again with me. Back then 2016, I was really amazed by the life that I’ve got and the journey that I was going through. Blessed that year. 2016 was probably the best of my amazing years so far because I had a chance to meet amazing peoples, had an astonishing journey and experience, got the big opportunity to be part of something bigger than I could imagine and realized that I had a feeling for someone–but I’m not gonna tell you about that in this page.

For some reason, I find myself as an introvert. I always think that home is the best place on earth where you can find peace in every corner. so peaceful and safe. And it’s sort of like 18 years I’ve never left my home for fuck sake. As I grew up loving books as the source of peace and hating to meet the new people and never knew how to make a new friend, I was definitely considering myself as a total introvert. For the ages, I always thought that going somewhere out of my home was a real danger and avoiding it would be really great. But my friend had a different kind of thought. He told me to at least experience what it’s like to go out somewhere like hiking a mountain which is not my things nor my lifetime to-do list.

So, I felt challenged and what could possibly go wrong about that? Then, the journey to meet the cloud was begun with 8 members. It was the 23rd of July in the middle of the day when we began to step our first step to meet the sky. Of course, we were checked on the first post to make sure some administration things. We start to hike about 1 pm, I guess. We met other hikers who take the same route with us. There are so many different people, from the fellow as my age till the middle-aged. Oh, I almost forget that we went to Mt. Gede via Mt. Putri gate. And also we met foreigners from another country. They were really nice and want to know about Indonesia and Mt. Gede particularly. So they asked us and at the level of my English and the knowledge about Mt. Gede, I tried hard to understand and answer what they were asking. And that was the first time I realized that meeting the new people was not something scary and dangerous. It was fun and had a chance to speak English was really good, I guess. Well, English is fun and important.

All the way to the top I’m refreshed by the trees that were lining up along the way. Apparently, we took the shortest route to the top which is about 9 km. But it was not that easy as you think because the shorter route you took the steeper slope you got. You want a proof? Just ask my friend. He was crying and begging to come home when we’re not even close to the half of our way. Well, he was not crying anyway. Sorry, just kidding. All of your exhaustion would be paid off with the ambiance and vibe that you would get. I knew that I was in the jungle when I saw monkey jumping around, birds tweeting their song, some insects were bugging with their noise but thanks God that we did not have to meet a Tiger or another wild animal. Really don’t know how to handle that.

It took about 6 hours to get to the top. It was not the summit anyway, but the wide area covered by grasses, so green and also edelweiss. Unfortunately, we arrived at dark so we couldn’t see that by the time we arrived. We looked for the places near the river or water to camp. It eased everything when you’re close to the water in that kind of situation. We had a dinner and talked about everything then planning when we were going to the summit. I don’t know what degree the temperature was but I felt frozen that time. I hardly moved my finger. I put on a double sweatshirt but still could not resist the cold. We are 8 but we just brought a tent which can accommodate just four people. Yeah, bad plan, I know. I was one of who slept outside because I had my sleeping bag. Apparently, it’s always something good within the bad. Well, it’s cold outside but as long as you stare up the sky, you just want to be grateful for the world God gave to you. A sky full of stars. It’s sparkling and in that time, I just want to share that moment with someone who I love for my entire life. You should see that beautiful night sky once a lifetime. Blessed that night.

This world is the wide place full of surprise, somethings are unexpected and filled up by amazing creatures. In short, this world is a God’s greatest gift that you can never receive from anyone. anything. We should be grateful to be born in this beautiful place. We should be grateful for all of we had cause it’s whether good or bad for you, It’s a gift. If you haven’t found the good within the bad. Go deeper and find the meaning. God always has his sort of way to tell you something, to make you learn, and to make you grateful. So, I started my day in the cold and chill atmosphere as the breeze blew to the west. That morning vibe in Alun – Alun Suryakencana–the place where I camped–gave some kind of energy to realize something and learn to love my life. Just felt the vibe and suddenly realized that life is beautiful, so why do I waste my time or make something stupid over and over again without even trying to be something good. I perceive that I live the life which probably someone expected to live.

That was the most lovely morning in my life. The vibe and the energy were really fantastic which I want to feel it again in my daily life. It was not the most beautiful sunrise but still, I felt really grateful to have that moment in my life. What a bliss! When the light has clearly come, we began to make it to the summit. It took just 30 minutes from where we start in Alun – Alun Suryakencana. I can’t fully describe it to you what it really looked like in higher altitude. We were close to the sun but yet still feeling the cold. I don’t remember how exactly the temperature was but it could be under 15-degrees Celsius. So, that was pretty cold.

The most memorable thing is the view from up above was really remarkable. It was mostly a mixture of blue and green. I could see the city. The city was just so small that as far as I can see the entire city. What a tiny we are in this big world! Take a note, kid. don’t be cocky, we’re just little thing who take a tiny part of this whole system of the universe. I remembered when I watch an anime “Kuroko no Basuke”, Kiyoshi Teppei said “If you wanna climb a mountain, you obviously aim for the top. But you gotta enjoy the scenery too.” If climbing a mountain is a reflection of real life and the peek of the mountain was the peek of your success, Kiyoshi was right. Everyone wanna get to the top, whatever it cost and no matter what. I mean, some people would do anything just to get to the top, like obviously, I could get to the summit with a helicopter or something so I don’t need to bother myself hiking for about 9 Kilometres in a steep slope. But when I get to the summit and then what? Taking a picture or enjoy the scenery? of course, I would do that. But it feels different if you climb it by yourself. It would taste sweet if we can get success with anything you have and anything that you’re probably working hard to.

This journey has told me that it’s never gonna be easy to get to the top and to get what you want. All you have to do is working hard, doing something good and unleashing every potential that God gives to you. While you’re in your way, just never complain how far it is to reach your goals cause you have no idea how far it is. Just enjoy every step that you’re taking and every moment that you have. Look around and see how amazing it is to work hard every day so that you can find your meaning in life. You’ll probably have some trouble and you’ll probably be tired. It’s okay, you’re human being. We don’t have an infinite energy anyway. Just take rest and take a deep breath, but don’t quit. Once, you think you want to give up, you’ll never know how it feels like to be on top.


Coldplay-Head-Full-Of-Dreams1-640x6401-640x640It’s not just a song. It’s about you.

It has been 2 years I guess since I had found this song. Thanks to Coldplay for this kind of masterpiece which can’t be found everywhere. Anywhere. This song is always my lifetime favorite song that I’ll always listen in every trip to some places, in every time I write something, in every moment when I have to feel nostalgic and wonderful. And guess, right now I am hearing this song and it flows into my mind. I feel overwhelmed all of sudden.
Some songs are just really fun and joy to listen, some just want you to dance, some are lyrical and touchy and some songs are just remarkable for the way it means to someone. When the first time I listened to Everglow, I fell in love with the dynamic of its music. I googled this song and found that the lyrics were just me. so deep. I don’t know, like just found the pieces of you of that song. I digest every single word and line trying to find and getting onto what Coldplay want the listener to listen.

“Well, they say people come
they say people go
This particular diamond was extra special
And though you might be gone, and the world may not know
Still, I see you, celestial”

How about that? The first time you read those word, you might think of someone who’s really important to you. Somebody that you want to share everything about this world and beyond. Yeah, believe me, I did that too. Those lines brought me to the reality that people come and go and that’s what people do to you. But you might have someone who you look after and think every second or every breathe that you take. And that person has driven you crazy. You know that she would do what people do to you—come and go—but she is remarkable so if everyone even herself think that she lost her way, you’ll always see her, you’ll always find a way to look after her. Cause she is extra special and you can never lose her even in the dark.

“Like a lion you ran, like Goddess you rolled
Like an eagle you circle, in perfect purple
So how come things move on, how come cars don’t slow
When it feels like the end of my world
When I should but I can’t let you go”

I think that whoever the person you like will always be the same, doing things like other people do to you. But when there comes to a parting of the person we loved, it’ll never gonna be easy. Even though you know that she never really left you because you have her in your heart but the thing is to not able to see her physically is something that hurt you really bad. But the worst part of being left behind is about the time. It might not hurt so much when you already know that the time of this parting is going to be real. But you might be really so much in pain when she left you while you are going to give the world you have to her. just her. And she left then, you die inside.

“When I’m cold, cold.
When I’m cold, cold.
There’s a light that you give me when I’m in shadow
There’s a feeling you give me, an everglow”

That is definitely the feeling that you feel when you met her, you talk to her and you love her. It’s the feeling that so addictive, you want to feel more and more and more and you don’t know how to stop that. You probably have to see what does everglow means. I don’t want to tell you here. I just want you to wonder.

“Like brothers in blood, sisters who ride
We swore on that night we’d be friend till we die
But the changing of wind, and the way waters flow
Life as short as the falling of snow
And now, I’m gonna miss you, I know.”

We don’t have any idea about future even one second ahead of us. like people, I do have a plan for future, for spending my lifetime with someone remarkable. It was really beautiful to fall in love with someone and we do want to have that feeling forever for someone. but there’s nothing eternal. nothing last forever. So, what you have now is just the feeling of missing. empty but grateful that you used to know her. That was just a remarkable moment in your life.

“When I’m cold, cold
in water rolled, salt
I know that you’re with me and the way you will show
and you’re with me, wherever I go
and you give me this feeling, this everglow”

The feeling that cupid gives to the human being is very fascinating. I mean, when you being in love with someone you’re not just happy. you sort of feel a whole thing in this world very astonishing. and the one you love is the center of that kind of feeling. we had to be grateful that we have felt that kind of feeling. astonishing and wonderful. but we had to be more grateful if that feeling remains in your life, right in your heart. because as I said, people come and go but the feeling of love toward someone you truly will always remain the same, whenever and wherever you are.
The point of what comes up to my mind when I decided to write this was some people are just really important to us. even if they left you or hurt you or did something really bad to you. because they give something that you never find it anywhere. but these people are just truly remarkable for you. so you never want them being or feeling bad about this world and something. They are really remarkable, so you can’t forget them and the feeling when you first met them will still remain the same. no matter what.

“So if you love someone, you should let them know
oh the light that you left me will everglow”